So, the Penguins won the cup. Congrats to them. But what do I hear? There were no riots in Pittsburgh? WTF??
Come on guys, what is this, golf? This is an embarrassment. Way to give the rest of us good hockey fans a bad name. I mean what’s next? Are you gonna quit shouting homophobic slurs in the arena too? Jeez…
I think it’s time to get serious and learn some tips from people who know how it’s done. We’ve been there before. Quite a few times actually. Listen to us.
Here is, brought to you by a habs fan… the rioting etiquette.
Basic rules :
– If your team’s star player just got suspended by the nhl for hitting a referee: riot (it’s the Rocket rule)
– If your team wins a first round series in 7 games: riot
– If your team gets swept in the first round by Boston: don’t riot. Go back to your home, and make some stupid/immature Lucic photoshops to deal with the pain.
– If Boston wins the cup: riot.
– If you see Bettman coming on the ice to give the cup: boo the hell out of him.
– If he gives the cup to the opposing team: show some class. Boo them too.
– If your team wins the cup on home ice: get out and riot.
– If your team wins it in another city: get out and riot. The next day, wait for your team at the airport. And then celebrate in the streets with a half naked future hall of famer goalie.
– If your team wins the cup after game 7, on home ice: burn the city down.
During the riots:
– Wear your team jersey proudly. You don’t want people to get confused and think you’re just a random bystander.
– Ask your friends to take pics of you in front of burning police cars.
– Post those cool videos of your friends breaking that store window on youtube. (bonus points if you add a few stills of your team with the cup at the beginning, so that everyone knows what you were celebrating)
– Don’t tweet during the riots. What are you, a journalist? And besides, it’s dangerous to type a text message while holding a Molotov cocktail.
– Rush to the nearest alcohol store getting looted. You don’t want to get thirsty once that store is empty.
– If you’re confused, just act like the people around you.
See? This is really not difficult.
Now, just to check if you’ve understood everything, you can take this little test:
For each picture: do or don’t?
To riot or not to riot?
To riot or not to riot?
Beware, there’s a trick.
The Maple Leafs win the cup, what do you do?
I hope this helped all the fans in Pittsburgh and elsewhere. We don’t want to be embarrassed like that again.
Here are the test answers:
1. Picture A. Don’t. Where is your shirt, young man? We can’t even see where this picture was taken…
Picture B. Do. Nice flag. You made Montreal proud, fellows.
Picture C. Do. Now, those are classy rioters.
2. That’s 2009. No Riot.
3. That’s 2008. Riot.
4. There’s a Bettman sighting in the mirror, so there’s no choice: boo. (And I’ll come back on that later, but Detroit fared very well on the Gary Bettman Booing Index, my own little crowd rating system)
5. Ahahahahahaha! I was just joking.