Archive for the ‘Nonsense’ Tag

Uh oh…

NJ Devils next game.

After a hard-fought battle, the game has to be decided by a shootout. After 5 rounds of shooters, the Devils must score to stay alive.

John MacLean turns to his assistant.

- Alright, so who’s the next shooter?

- Uh apparently you picked… *checks his papers*… uh… Ilya Kovalchuck.

Poor Devils.

Posted November 13, 2010 by Grrrreg in Uncategorized

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A weird blog post with an unnecessarily long title and a very short and disappointing content, but don’t leave already there is a good reason for this, wait no, there are actually several reasons and I will now list them: 1. It’s an homage to Pookie and Schnookie from “Interchangeable Parts” and their own record-breaking long blog post titles, 2. It’s another plot to keep this blog updated during summer without actually thinking too hard about writing interesting content, and 3. This is actually a scientific experiment intended to figure out how long a post title can be on wordpress, so i’ll just keep on typing over and over until their servers start fuming and eventually blow up in a huge and deadly but also very pretty fireball, shutting down the whole Internet in the process. Muahahahahahahahahahaha! Uh, I mean, sorry about that.

Take that, wordpress!

Thanks for reading. :)

Posted August 13, 2010 by Grrrreg in Uncategorized

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Habs summer jobs: Jaro Spacek

Yes, let’s face it, it’s summer, and there’s no hockey… But hockey fans are not the only ones suffering during summer. It’s not easier for hockey players. Just like every year, the Habs have to find jobs during the off-season to make a bit of money. This summer, thanks to an exclusive series* of photoshops portraits, we’ll discover one by one the rarely seen lives of our heroes when there’s no hockey.

Jaroslav Spacek ~ Lifeguard

______

*The last time I intended to make a “series” of posts, I think I gave up after 2 posts, so I can’t guarantee you’ll have much more than that one… but I’ll try!

I would have picked Minnesota

Yes, I know I’m late on this, and I know everyone is fed up with that Lebron James drama, but I just saw this video yesterday: it’s a last-minute attempt by the Minnesota Timberwolves to woo him.

No idea why he didn’t immediately sign there.

~~~

In related news, just like the Cavs owner, the Florida Panthers wrote a public message to their fans, who are now ensured that their team will never ever appear in the local media again. Here it is:

“You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE FLORIDA PANTHERS WILL WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank. *

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Sunrise, Florida, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by this Lebron guy has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. Levels such as “very motivated”.

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

Dale Tallon, Florida Panthers General Manager.

(* just don’t bet your house on it, though.)”

I never knew Dale had this kind of fire in him. Wow. I’m impressed.

Posted July 9, 2010 by Grrrreg in Uncategorized

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He fooled us all

I think I made an important discovery.

As you know, Josh Gorges was hit in the head by a slapshot fired by Mike Green yesterday. He layed motionless on the ice for a few very scary moments. And he finally got up and retreated to the dressing room, aided by the team doctors. His head was bleeding pretty badly.

But what did we learn today? Josh Gorges is skating with his teammates as if nothing happened.

Hmmmm. This is strange.

There is only one logical explanation:

Josh Gorges is, in fact, a robot.

Josh, without his human disguise

If you think about it, it really makes sense. Bob Gainey, being the astute GM that he is… err… was, immediately understood that the young Carey Price, a lonely Western goaltender unprepared for the hardness of Montreal, and upon whom rested the hopes of the franchise, would need help. Even better, he would need a friend. Josh Gorges was born. He immediately became Carey’s best buddy and accomplished his task faultlessly.

He fooled us all…

And finally, it took a slapshot no human being could have recovered from this easily to understand his secret… The old man who was called on the ice yesterday to help the team doctor was not a doctor. He was probably the engineer that built our little robot. And what we thought was blood was certainly oil, or some other hydraulic fluid.

Wow. It really makes you wonder if there are other robots around the league. Thinking about it, I think Sean Avery must be some sort of robot whose circuits are defective. There is no other explanation for his erratic behavior…

Posted February 11, 2010 by Grrrreg in Uncategorized

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Damage control

After the Kovalchuk trade, GM Don Waddell published an open letter to the Atlanta fans on the Thrashers website.

You can read it here.

Thanks to some of my secret sources who hacked Waddell’s computer,  I’m now able to disclose 3 earlier drafts of this letter. The following is a Soft European exclusivity.

Version 1:

Letter to Fans from Don Waddell

Thursday, 02.04.2010 / 8:44 PM / News
Atlanta Thrashers

Don Waddell
Executive Vice President and General Manager
Atlanta Thrashers

That first draft was deemed interesting but for some reason, Waddell was advised to try to rework it and to use more words in order to appease the fanbase and to instill confidence back into the organization.

Version 2:

Letter to Fans from Don Waddell

Thursday, 02.04.2010 / 8:44 PM / News
Atlanta Thrashers

We’re screwed.

Thank you.

Don Waddell
Executive Vice President and General Manager
Atlanta Thrashers

This second draft was short and to the point, but apparently some guy in the PR department advised Waddell to elaborate a little on his feelings. So Don had to come up with another draft.

Version 3:

Letter to Fans from Don Waddell

Thursday, 02.04.2010 / 8:44 PM / News
Atlanta Thrashers

After several months of negotiations toward a long-term contract with forward Ilya Kovalchuk and his agent, we were unable to reach an agreement and elected to trade Kovalchuk and defenseman Anssi Salmela to the New Jersey Devils in exchange for Johnny Oduya, Niclas Bergfors, Patrice Cormier and a first round draft pick in 2010.

We want you, our fans, to know that throughout the negotiation process, the Thrashers organization remained committed to offering Ilya a contract that exceeded those of the league’s best and highest paid players, and was commensurate to his skill level and performance history.

To that end, we offered that bastard $101 fucking million.

If we had satisfied Kovy’s insane greed, we would have had to play 20 AHL guys to stay under the freaking cap for the next decade. At the end of the day, we couldn’t close that gap and simply reached a point at which we couldn’t reasonably go any higher.

Just like you, we have no idea who the three guys we got are. We hope that Johnny and Niclas will quickly complement our team of budding young stars, highly-skilled veterans and elite players. We also look forward to having Patrice join us, as soon as he’s released from jail. Our goals for this season have not changed—to make and advance as deep as possible in the 2010 Stanley Cup Playoffs—and we move ahead with a new sense of purpose that is energized by our continued climb in the standings as we position ourselves to compete with the best in the NHL.

Just kidding. We’re doomed.

We will maintain the option of bringing in more players that you don’t know, in addition to the ones that we have acquired in the trade, to make sure that we are fully unnoticeable for the remainder of the season and the postseason.

Fuck you Ilya. Break a leg at the Olympics. Literally. And we thank you, for your continued support, and look forward to your enthusiastic presence in Blueland to help drive us into the 2010 Stanley Cup Playoffs.

(Just kidding again.)

Don Waddell
Executive Vice President and General Manager
Atlanta Thrashers

Apparently, by this time, the PR department told Don it was perfect, and they would just “edit some typos” out of the text before publishing it. This is clearly what they did.

I think it’s always interesting to get a behind the scenes look at how NHL teams communicate with their fans. I’m glad we had that opportunity today.

Posted February 6, 2010 by Grrrreg in Uncategorized

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Let’s celebrate!

Hey, this blog is in celebration mode today!

As you know, it’s hockey day in Canada. But you may not know that it happens to be a special day here too.

Today is… “no-one-cares-about-hockey day” in France!

Woooooo! Join me and let’s celebrate this great event together.

This year, the city where all the action will take place is Paris!

Paris has proudly not given a shit about hockey for over a century now. It’s a thriving community of 2,203,817 people, boasting the very impressive number of 2 ice rinks. (I’m not kidding about this. There are really 2 ice rinks in Paris). To celebrate this tradition, the municipality announced yesterday that it had not planned any special event related to hockey today.

“We’ve been commited not to give a damn about hockey for decades, so we thought it would be appropriate for the city not to do anything today. We think it’s the perfect occasion to go see a soccer game or watch a movie! Our citizens have no clue what a tripping penalty is, or who Mario Lemieux is, and we are going to make sure that this tradition remains well-established in our proud city. Parisians deserve better than the sport of hockey, and this is what we’re going to give them.”

But members of the municipal opposition noted the discrepancy between the mayor’s rosy speech and reality: “The mayor claims to be doing nothing for hockey, but we have the regret to tell you that this is false. For over 3 years now, the Finals of the French Cup of hockey have been scheduled at Bercy, and have attracted over 12000 people every time. This is clearly a black mark on the mayor’s record.”

The mayor quickly dissmissed its critics. “Come on, this is a joke! Just look at our record. While cities like London and Stockholm have had to endure the embarrassment of hosting NHL regular season games, we have always made sure to stay away from those events. And this is not about to change!”

But it’s not the time for petty political controversies, my friends. Let’s simply enjoy the fact that today, just like yesterday and tomorrow, hockey won’t matter in this beautiful country!

Posted January 30, 2010 by Grrrreg in Uncategorized

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